More about me

I got a tad side tracked in my efforts to describe myself, so I felt it best to begin anew.

As I said I am 35. I feel younger some days and older other days. I was born in Germany. My father was stationed there. My mother simply told me that with only a radio to fill the time, they became creative at finding other things to do. I was conceived and born in the same country. Shortly after my birth, my father's time of service was over and he decided to pack his bags, his wife and newborn daughter and head home.

Most of my life was happy. I can only imagine what I was like as a child. My mother describes me as demanding, emotional and strong willed. Perhaps this is why she cursed me with a son who is the same as I. Have to enjoy the "parent's curse".

I remember feeling like I didn't belong most of the time. I felt like an outsider in my family. I did very well in school. In fact I loved school. Sadly this made me an outcast as well. My life in school was never good. I did well academically, but socially I struggled to make friendships with my peers. Often I found myself the target of cruel jokes and ridicule. Children can be so very mean. I did not have thick skin and this made me an even easier target. The few times I would stand up for myself I often ended up in a worse situation than it began.

One such memory was when I was in the fourth grade. A young lady I rivaled with in class began heckling me one day. We had a sub, so she took advantage of this situation. Finally angered by her terribly hurtful words, I finally screamed at her to shut up. Her response was "Why don't you make me?" The most appropriate response at the time was "I don't make trash I burn it!" Her response, with a smug cock and shake of her head was "So burn me!" Now I should have know to stop there. I knew what I was about to say was the most terrible thing I could ever muster past my lips. I knew that my parents would be so angry with me for saying it, but like a cornered animal I snapped. I could feel the anger fill me and I was shaking uncontrollably. And I uttered the most horrible words I could have ever said to a girl who was black. "TOO LATE! YOU ARE ALREADY BURNT!"

Her reaction came faster than I expected. She slapped me sharply across the face and we both watched in fascinated horror as my glasses went flying across the school yard, shattering as they hit the ground. That was the instant I felt my second wave of panic for the day.

I had worn glasses since I was in second grade. A horrid curse for any child. Names like "four eyes" were slung so often, I should have not thought much of it. But for a girl who wanted nothing more than to be liked unconditionally, they were the cruelest thing ever given to me. I had a hard time not destroying my glasses. My greatest fear was the idea of a lost or broken pair. My parents reminded me regularly how much those things cost and never let me forget it either. I can't blame them. We were not a poor family but not wealthy either. Affording things such as glasses which were a necessity came with much responsibility.

Of course I was hysterical by the time the teacher made it to the classroom. I knew I was in for it. Not only with the teacher and the school, but also with my parents. For some reason the peers who vehemently detested me defended me that day and never mentioned what I had said. Not initially anyways. I don't recall getting into trouble over the incident either. I do remember that the girl's parents agreed to pay for half of my glasses to be replaced.

My years of Junior high became ever more difficult to bear. I was placed in lower level classes my 7th grade year. I grew bored with the classes I was getting straight A's in. I began getting into minor trouble as a way to win marks with my peers. After 1 semester of pure Hell, I finally convinced my counselor I would have less problems if I was placed into more difficult classes. I remember him scoffing at me and telling me I would fail. But I was determined and pressed the issue.

I was then presented with a whole new set of circumstances. New kids who found more reason to mock me and heckle me. I was bright and learned fast. I was eager and absorbed information like a sponge. However this painted me as a geek and a nerd. But I somehow managed even not to fit in with those individuals. I was not reserved enough for their clicks.

In science class I had a girl who enjoyed seeing me squirm as she would mock my name repeatedly to everyone. In English I was forced to sit at a table because there were not enough desks and a young lady in this class enjoyed pulling my hair, name calling, and kicking her feet in my face.

But still I persevered to learn everything I could. Knowledge was going to be my power. But as I grew older the reigns of my parents tightened and I was unable to do more than go to school and come home. I felt more miserable and alone than I ever did.

During the summer after my first year in Junior High, I made a friend. She was the complete opposite of me. She was alive, spirited, and bubbly. She had a smile and a laugh that could brighten any day. She made me feel like I was someone special. I was her backbone. We complimented each other in so many ways. I don't think I would have made it if it hadn't been for her friendship.

High School became a tad more challenging for me. I was terrified actually. I knew I was only a short distance away from a freedom I was not ready for. But I still excelled academically. My best friend moved away, though we remained in touch. I made new friends. I was a band geek. I lived for my music and school work. Despite it all, my high school years were my happiest. I grew as a person and learned so much from the people of my life.

I graduated in the top 7% of my class. I felt that was a pretty good accomplishment.

Becoming an adult was way more difficult. I have truly suffered some major growing pains.

But I am going to save them for another post.